I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
