like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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