I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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