my phone needs a breathalizer
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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