no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
