We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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