There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
