Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
