Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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