This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
