Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
