Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
