So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
