mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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