Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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