My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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