I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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