Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
