i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
