I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
