I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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