just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
