listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize