They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
