If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
