elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
