areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize