Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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