I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
