When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
