If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
