happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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