it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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