I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
