Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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