someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
