Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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