Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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