eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my being single is dangerous.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
