you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
