i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
