Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
