This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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