we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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