shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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