I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
