Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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