Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
