my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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