So drunk its hurt
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
