I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize