The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
