Your tits are I can't wait for
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize