Got a toothbrush?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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