Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
