This is not my ceiling
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
