when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
