every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
