You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
