these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Boobs are out for the taking
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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