it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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