I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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