that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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