i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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