Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
