You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
