Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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