Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize