I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
