A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
