its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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